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Chad Ochocinco sleeps with the fishes…

September 1, 2011

…in his completely badass king size bed-quarium.

"Are you wet, girl? Because I got an app for that."

Evidently he found a cool Boston roommate on craigslist.com last month, so that’s good.

I can see his roomy coming home from a double shift at Patty’s pizza and Murph’s bar (or maybe it’s the other way around?), and seeing this aquatic somnial masterpiece, “HAWLY WICKED FAWK, CHAD THIS IS AWESOME! DUDE! BRO, CAN I BORROW IT DURING ROAD GAMES?”

"I made a beerquarium!"

Oh, he didn’t actually do the craigslist roommate thing? Eh, so what. I knew that premise was too good to be true. It would be a good sitcom though…that I could write…in case 85 reads this…checkout my combine videos!

I know you are supposed to react negatively to extravagance by pro athletes, wasting all our hard earned football tax* money. That’s the new economy party line, shout down those of means spending that money in fantastic ways your feeble broke-ass couldn’t fathom.

I feel sometimes like we have to speak like that because so many people have lost jobs and homes and the stock market and the credit crisis and holy shit life on earth sucks blah blah BANG…

shot in 2008, Silicon Valley

I’m sorry, but I still want to believe in a world where I can play football for millions and party my ass off, and buy custom made aquarium beds, and have three ferraris, and ride dirt bikes with playmates on private islands, and eat weird endangered species shabu-shabu style, and get out of jail with a game ticket and an autograph, and go to Vegas on a Gulfstream with twenty friends and ten strangers for a week. Literally shitting millions of dollars like the exhaust from your PJ, making it rain pennies from the contrail behind you.

I only go to this mansion to poop, on wednesdays. Only blondes are allowed in the pool.

I’m a 36 year old married father of two, but my daydreams were forged in the imagination of a bored goofy-looking 13 year old me. I measure success in dirt bikes, bass boats, guns and big screen TV’s.

My inner child is Rusty Cuyler.

I say hell yes Ochocinco! Keep on rocking! As long as you keep on living semi-clean, no violent crimes or general shittiness in public, I think you are a great role model for the hard working men of America. Keep on riding bulls and doing reality shows and trying out for soccer teams.

This is the year Super Mario gets down with his hand off the ground!

Twitpic it all.

jw**

 

*football tax = all the money you spend watching football in a year. Including tickets, cable, beer, food, merch, sports gambling losses, fantasy football leagues, bar tabs, lost productivity. To save yourself some time, just send it in check or money order directly to Roger Goodell in New York City.

**tired & drunk.

 

Arian Foster doesn’t like you…

September 1, 2011

…if you play fantasy football. That’s the point I gathered by reading his tweet about fantasy football players who are concerned that his hamstring injury would affect their teams.

My question is this, what is the difference between a fantasy football player and someone who is JUST a fan of a NFL team? Unless you are an employee of the NFL or one of its’ teams, ALL football is FANTASY FOOTBALL!

It doesn’t matter if you are a fan of the Houston Texans or “owner” of the “Icetown Jackals”, if a player on “your” team is hurt and unable to play, your immediate concern is how that affects you winning games and who will you get to replace them in the line-up. PERIOD.

I don’t understand what he means by “those sincerely concerned” either. Does he mean those who hold candlelight vigils for his full-recovery? Perhaps left-wing vegans who tear up when any living creature feels pain? It’s just a hamstring!

Pray for Arian

You’ll be fine…in the grand scheme of life at least. This isn’t high school or the University of Tennessee where cheerleaders and boosters start bawling if your pinky finger gets twisted. Nobody dies from what may or may not be a minor tear in a hamstring, it happens all the time and life goes on.

I have a buddy who broke his nose in a softball game doing something stupid and I have yet to send flowers to his house, haven’t written him a folk song lamenting his pain, and still no trust funds set up for his kids in case it turns worse. Instead I’ve been looking for a new second baseman who knows how to look the ball into his glove on double-plays, instead of trying to use the back of his glove like Omar Vizquel. I am sincerely concerned that my friend’s nose hurts and that he looks like a raccoon, but I still have no problem busting his nuts for flopping on the ground like a sissy and subsequently replacing him on our team.

If Arian Foster, or any player in any sport for that matter, suffers a head injury, broken neck, spinal fracture or a Theismanian floppy leg…I do feel sincere concern for their health. I worry about their quality of life, how they’ll cope with such debilitating injuries.

BUT sprained hammys, ankles and jammed fingers do NOT inspire my limitless compassion. Sorry Arian, just part of the job. I think you need thicker skin…and hamstrings.

And then he made it worse.

That’s a screen shot from Sportscenter of the MRI of Arian Foster’s injured hamstring. Foster tweeted the picture to show how NOT SERIOUS the injury was, and as soon as ESPN got it and turned it over to their cadre of medical experts, they determined that it is torn and he can expect to miss 3-4 weeks. OOPS.

Foster has since deleted the tweet, which shows a fundamental misunderstanding of how the internet works. It’s too late! It’s out there! You can’t get toothpaste back in the tube! You can’t unpoop the bed!

Before this picture got out, the Texans spin on his injury was that he mildly reaggravated a sprain and that he’d be ready for week one. Heck, they may have told Arian the exact same thing as to not ruin his morale. But if they looked at the MRI, they knew what the injury was, and I promise you that the LAST thing they wanted was their week one opponent, the Indianapolis Colts to see that MRI! Now they know to prepare for Ben Tate and will adjust defensive game plans accordingly.

Oops.

I predict Arian Foster will be taking a team-ordered break from twitter for a while, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets a fine from the team or the league for sharing proprietary team medical information. I imagine he’ll be getting a healthy dose of ass-chewing from Gary Kubiak and Matt Schaub for leaking team business on the internet too. This is just as bad as losing your playbook…even worse actually, its more like sending your playbook to every team in football.

On the bright side, I’m glad to see an athlete tweeting pictures of his own anatomy that AREN’T his genitals.

There’s your silver lining.

jw

p.s. Ben Tate, throw away your smartphone immediately, it can only hurt the ball club.

John Wessling 2010 NFL Draft Pro Day Workout part 2 – THE 40 YARD DASH & DRILLS

September 12, 2010

Bob Biggerstaff and I went through hell to be evaluated for the National Football League by veteran Defensive Lineman N.D. Kalu. WR Robert Ferguson was there too, gazing in amazement at our absolute physical awesomeness.

I need sponsors to help buy me every team’s hat for my impending draft day party…

John Wessling NFL Pro Day part 1, THE BENCH PRESS

September 9, 2010

With help from Coach N.D. Kalu, John “The Athlete” Wessling shows the pros what he’s got getting ready for the 2010 NFL Draft…adjust your mock draft boards accordingly.

The UFL is BACK! And It’s Hiding Right Next To You…

May 22, 2010

The United Football League returns for its second season as the football fan’s alternative to college football confusion or to mid-season NFL. Remember all those dudes who got cut in Hard Knocks? They play in the UFL.

The UFL is like live-action video game football. You’ll see plenty of bonkers offensive play calling, experimental defensive schemes, trick plays and special teams action on par with the NFL…good stuff.

 

Hey playa, need a Sharpie?

 

One thing that concerns me though, no UFL team in Texas. You’d think San Antonio would be clamoring for pro football in that barn-thedral known as the Alamodome. I think the UFL would be foolish not to have a strong presence in the state that creates the most NFL players and Hall of Famers. I predict next season the UFL will have a team in either Austin, San Antonio, Corpus Christi OR even the Rio Grande Valley.

 

In AWE of my wheels...

 

I like minor league sports, especially the higher levels that feature top-quality athletes. I was very excited to see Robert Ferguson in the UFL, playing for the Omaha Nighthawks…He is a local guy, starred at Texas A&M and helped me during my 2010 NFL Pro Day Workout at PLEX with ND Kalu…Ferguson was dazzled by my blazin’ 40 speed and my superior ball-skills inspired him to get in extra reps running routes. I’m sure he’ll dominate the UFL and find himself in the NFL late in the season…all thanks to me, naturally.

The UFL isn’t the next XFL bust operation, if Mark Cuban wants to invest in something, you should follow him. I’ve been buying Avion Tequila website names, including misspellings, just because he FICTIONALLY got interested in the brand on Entourage! Here in Houston, we’d like to see him turn the MLB upside down and buy the Houston Astros!

The University of Houston Astrodome comment thread

March 31, 2010

Please leave your comments below on the proposed idea of converting the Astrodome into the Football and Basketball facilities for the University of Houston.

What else do you think they should or could do with the Astrodome?

LINK BACK to John Wessling’s Blog on Sports Radio 610

Killer B was the GREATEST FANARCHIST of ALL TIME!!!

February 14, 2010

the face of domination

For those of you who didn’t know, I was on 7 episodes of the Versus’ show FANARCHY last year. I kicked a boatload of ass and just put my highlights up online…

pt.2

pt.1

I’ll put up two more highlight clips as soon as I finish editing them.

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