A Bucket of Chode; 2009 Year in Review

It’s almost New Years, the time of year when bloggers, radio folk and TV types alike all rehash the crap that happened in the last 12 months in a package that nobody really cares about. But who am I to not take part in this growing national tradition? Am I too good to reflect on the last year with false nostalgia? Hell no! I like SEO traffic as much or more than the next fat, half-stoned sports comedy blogger! Let’s spin the magical wheel of retrospect and let the smart-assery begin!

2009! SWINE FLU, Bacon Strikes Back!

Patient ZERO

Champs go first…

The New York Yankees won their 27th world championship. Big whoop, who gives a shit?

The Los Angeles Lakers won their 16th world championship. Big whoop, who gives a shit?

The Pittsburgh Steelers won their 6th world championship. Big whoop, who gives a shit?

The Pittsburgh Penguins won their 3rd world championship. Big whoop, who gives a shit?

The North Carolina Tarheels won their 5th (or 6th) national championship of college basketball. Big whoop, who gives a shit.

The Florida Gators won their 3rd national championship of college football…

This was a big whoop, Jesus is a big Tim Tebow fan.

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The SNUGGIE! Basically its a backwards bathrobe that hotboxes farts and hides lazy masturbation. Well done modern science! This and the Slap Chop googly-eyed pitchman killed Billy Mays.
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New Mexico Lobos women’s soccer player, Elizabeth Lambert … Ripped Foul Sportsman of the Year! This pissed-off bitch punched, kicked and pony-tail yanked her way right into every man in America’s heart. She single handedly made College Women’s Soccer more relevant and exciting than that fancy futbol crap they play in Europe and South America.

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Usain Bolt is faster than shit! Michael Phelps is stoneder than shit!

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Roger Federer won his record 15th Grand Slam tournament.

I am the happiest twat in the world!

I know he’s a world class athlete and probably the greatest tennis player in history BUT his labia face and crybaby looks make him look softer than fresh baked Hawaiian rolls. Put Clint Eastwood’s face on his body and I’d respect him a buttload more.
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Let's be honest, he was right.

Taylor Swift. Mall country music is the worst thing ever created in American history. She looks like a sick bird and her voice sounds like a porpoise getting raped. Sorry darlin’, but you’re not a country singer until Merle Haggard gets you pregnant…go ask Mindy McCready!
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She's crowning!

Lady Gaga. This Madonna clone is freaking everybody out, me included. I dig the art-school performance art thing she’s going for but the music sounds like a Nokia ringtone from hell.
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This is why they hate us in the Middle East.

Twilight and the New Moon stupidity. Vampires were this year’s zombie. May every teen girl who has moisture for the undead be saddled with a loser emo boyfriend who ruins your credit in college.
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Ripped Foul play of the year! DeWayne Wise’s perfect game saving catch for Mark Buerhle. I hate the living hell out of the White Sox ever since they swept my beloved Astros in the 2005 world series, but even I was on the edge of my seat watching Buerhle’s attempt at perfection. Wise’s catch in the 9th inning made me clap and scream like I was a Southsider faithful since birth. It was the best catch I’ve ever seen. It almost made me forget the pain of 2005…almost!
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Jessica Simpson’s dog gets eaten by a coyote. Ahhh, the sweet justice of the food chain. May this be a warning to all owners of tiny douchebag dogs all over the world, your pet is an abomination to nature and will be eaten.
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Chimpanzee eats woman’s face.Here’s the lesson for the rest of us, don’t live with an ape and pretend he’s your baby/best friend/lover because one day he’ll go APEshit on you and rip your face and arms off.
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Serena Williams threatens to jam a ball down a ref’s fucking throat. I’ve never been more horny watching a tennis match then I was that day. John McEnroe was loud and boisterous, but Serena got quiet and really mean…that means she was serious. Tyra, Oprah, Whoopi…you are all on notice, Serena is now the toughest, meanest black woman in America.
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Balloon Boy. Everybody prayed that he would be safe and when it turned out that he wasn’t in there at all, we were all pissed off. I think it would’ve been better for everyone if he fell out of that balloon at 10,000 feet and stuck in the ground like a yard dart in downtown Denver. Maybe next year!
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GLEE “Put a Ring On It” football travesty. OK, listen up theater fa-I mean gayz, enough is enough! There has been a nerd/jock ceasefire since 1996 but that silly display of high school football players doing a dance routine as a play to win the game was ludicrous. As a group we let the High School Musical dancing basketball business slide, but now you are messing with sacred and holy high school football! Only WE can call kickers gay! We are going to have to start beating the shit out of you again…you brought it on yourselves.
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Artie Lange OWNS Joe Buck. I’m not a big fan of Artie Lange, he’s done more damage to stand up comedy than pancreatic cancer, BUT his career-suicide-bombing of the first episode of Joe Buck LIVE on HBO made me smile in a deep dark place inside my soul. Well played you miserable drunk fat bag of crap!
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Semen in "her" name should've been a clue.

Caster Semenya has a tiny penis. It’s true, she does have a small penis inside her, just like most women in the world! This isn’t new in the women’s sprinting world, Marion Jones had two dicks.
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Hello DOUCHE, it's BITCH, call me back.

Jon and Kate Gosselin broke up. I had to watch that show with my wife like a POW for the last two years and I couldn’t be happier that that fucking nightmare is over!! They should’ve stopped having kids with the twins in the first place.
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I told you I hit it!

Chris Brown beat the shit out of Rihanna. If only they BOTH could’ve received career ending throat injuries in the fracus. It’s becoming clear that I hate modern music. He did take some lovely pictures of Rihanna naked though…
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Jimmy Kimmel's defining role.

Octomom. This lady turned her body into a pinata full of welfare babies.
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Carrie Prejean hates married gays, LOVES to masturbate to porn. So what if she pissed off Perez Hilton? Have you seen the “leaked” porn video she made? Great googly moogly! She is hotter than hell and I look forward to watching the porn she makes in the future.
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Steve Buscemi's agent called, he wants an Oscar next year.

Captain Chesley (Sully) Sullenberger. He’s the guy who landed that plane in the Hudson River. Evidently Vince Carter saw the whole thing from his condo in New Jersey and it scared the shit out of him, for some reason that made me laugh.
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Brothers from Other Mothers.

David Letterman throws dick. So it turns out America’s favorite funnyman likes to have affairs with his interns, eh? I wonder if Bill Clinton has been annoying the shit out of his friends with jokes about it everyday since it happened?
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So I guess that’s it right? Oh no, wait a second, I almost forgot…

Keep it quiet baby and there's a new Buick LeSabre in it for you...

TIGER WOODS IS A MAN SLUT!!! Look, you’ve been beat to death by bad Tiger Woods jokes for the last month of the year, I’m not going to pile on like the rest of them. Let’s hope in 2010 some other massive sports celebrities screw up in a big big way. Something tells me that will definitely happen!