"Are you wet, girl? Because I got an app for that."

Evidently he found a cool Boston roommate on craigslist.com last month, so that’s good.

I can see his roomy coming home from a double shift at Patty’s pizza and Murph’s bar (or maybe it’s the other way around?), and seeing this aquatic somnial masterpiece, “HAWLY WICKED FAWK, CHAD THIS IS AWESOME! DUDE! BRO, CAN I BORROW IT DURING ROAD GAMES?”

"I made a beerquarium!"

Oh, he didn’t actually do the craigslist roommate thing? Eh, so what. I knew that premise was too good to be true. It would be a good sitcom though…that I could write…in case 85 reads this…checkout my combine videos!

I know you are supposed to react negatively to extravagance by pro athletes, wasting all our hard earned football tax* money. That’s the new economy party line, shout down those of means spending that money in fantastic ways your feeble broke-ass couldn’t fathom.

I feel sometimes like we have to speak like that because so many people have lost jobs and homes and the stock market and the credit crisis and holy shit life on earth sucks blah blah BANG…

shot in 2008, Silicon Valley

I’m sorry, but I still want to believe in a world where I can play football for millions and party my ass off, and buy custom made aquarium beds, and have three ferraris, and ride dirt bikes with playmates on private islands, and eat weird endangered species shabu-shabu style, and get out of jail with a game ticket and an autograph, and go to Vegas on a Gulfstream with twenty friends and ten strangers for a week. Literally shitting millions of dollars like the exhaust from your PJ, making it rain pennies from the contrail behind you.

I only go to this mansion to poop, on wednesdays. Only blondes are allowed in the pool.

I’m a 36 year old married father of two, but my daydreams were forged in the imagination of a bored goofy-looking 13 year old me. I measure success in dirt bikes, bass boats, guns and big screen TV’s.

My inner child is Rusty Cuyler.

I say hell yes Ochocinco! Keep on rocking! As long as you keep on living semi-clean, no violent crimes or general shittiness in public, I think you are a great role model for the hard working men of America. Keep on riding bulls and doing reality shows and trying out for soccer teams.

This is the year Super Mario gets down with his hand off the ground!

Twitpic it all.

jw**

*football tax = all the money you spend watching football in a year. Including tickets, cable, beer, food, merch, sports gambling losses, fantasy football leagues, bar tabs, lost productivity. To save yourself some time, just send it in check or money order directly to Roger Goodell in New York City.

**tired & drunk.

…if you play fantasy football. That’s the point I gathered by reading his tweet about fantasy football players who are concerned that his hamstring injury would affect their teams.

My question is this, what is the difference between a fantasy football player and someone who is JUST a fan of a NFL team? Unless you are an employee of the NFL or one of its’ teams, ALL football is FANTASY FOOTBALL!

It doesn’t matter if you are a fan of the Houston Texans or “owner” of the “Icetown Jackals”, if a player on “your” team is hurt and unable to play, your immediate concern is how that affects you winning games and who will you get to replace them in the line-up. PERIOD.

I don’t understand what he means by “those sincerely concerned” either. Does he mean those who hold candlelight vigils for his full-recovery? Perhaps left-wing vegans who tear up when any living creature feels pain? It’s just a hamstring!

Pray for Arian

You’ll be fine…in the grand scheme of life at least. This isn’t high school or the University of Tennessee where cheerleaders and boosters start bawling if your pinky finger gets twisted. Nobody dies from what may or may not be a minor tear in a hamstring, it happens all the time and life goes on.

I have a buddy who broke his nose in a softball game doing something stupid and I have yet to send flowers to his house, haven’t written him a folk song lamenting his pain, and still no trust funds set up for his kids in case it turns worse. Instead I’ve been looking for a new second baseman who knows how to look the ball into his glove on double-plays, instead of trying to use the back of his glove like Omar Vizquel. I am sincerely concerned that my friend’s nose hurts and that he looks like a raccoon, but I still have no problem busting his nuts for flopping on the ground like a sissy and subsequently replacing him on our team.

If Arian Foster, or any player in any sport for that matter, suffers a head injury, broken neck, spinal fracture or a Theismanian floppy leg…I do feel sincere concern for their health. I worry about their quality of life, how they’ll cope with such debilitating injuries.

BUT sprained hammys, ankles and jammed fingers do NOT inspire my limitless compassion. Sorry Arian, just part of the job. I think you need thicker skin…and hamstrings.

And then he made it worse.

That’s a screen shot from Sportscenter of the MRI of Arian Foster’s injured hamstring. Foster tweeted the picture to show how NOT SERIOUS the injury was, and as soon as ESPN got it and turned it over to their cadre of medical experts, they determined that it is torn and he can expect to miss 3-4 weeks. OOPS.

Foster has since deleted the tweet, which shows a fundamental misunderstanding of how the internet works. It’s too late! It’s out there! You can’t get toothpaste back in the tube! You can’t unpoop the bed!

Before this picture got out, the Texans spin on his injury was that he mildly reaggravated a sprain and that he’d be ready for week one. Heck, they may have told Arian the exact same thing as to not ruin his morale. But if they looked at the MRI, they knew what the injury was, and I promise you that the LAST thing they wanted was their week one opponent, the Indianapolis Colts to see that MRI! Now they know to prepare for Ben Tate and will adjust defensive game plans accordingly.

Oops.

I predict Arian Foster will be taking a team-ordered break from twitter for a while, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets a fine from the team or the league for sharing proprietary team medical information. I imagine he’ll be getting a healthy dose of ass-chewing from Gary Kubiak and Matt Schaub for leaking team business on the internet too. This is just as bad as losing your playbook…even worse actually, its more like sending your playbook to every team in football.

On the bright side, I’m glad to see an athlete tweeting pictures of his own anatomy that AREN’T his genitals.

There’s your silver lining.

jw

p.s. Ben Tate, throw away your smartphone immediately, it can only hurt the ball club.

I need sponsors to help buy me every team’s hat for my impending draft day party…

With help from Coach N.D. Kalu, John “The Athlete” Wessling shows the pros what he’s got getting ready for the 2010 NFL Draft…adjust your mock draft boards accordingly.

The United Football League returns for its second season as the football fan’s alternative to college football confusion or to mid-season NFL. Remember all those dudes who got cut in Hard Knocks? They play in the UFL.

The UFL is like live-action video game football. You’ll see plenty of bonkers offensive play calling, experimental defensive schemes, trick plays and special teams action on par with the NFL…good stuff.

Hey playa, need a Sharpie?

One thing that concerns me though, no UFL team in Texas. You’d think San Antonio would be clamoring for pro football in that barn-thedral known as the Alamodome. I think the UFL would be foolish not to have a strong presence in the state that creates the most NFL players and Hall of Famers. I predict next season the UFL will have a team in either Austin, San Antonio, Corpus Christi OR even the Rio Grande Valley.

In AWE of my wheels...

I like minor league sports, especially the higher levels that feature top-quality athletes. I was very excited to see Robert Ferguson in the UFL, playing for the Omaha Nighthawks…He is a local guy, starred at Texas A&M and helped me during my 2010 NFL Pro Day Workout at PLEX with ND Kalu…Ferguson was dazzled by my blazin’ 40 speed and my superior ball-skills inspired him to get in extra reps running routes. I’m sure he’ll dominate the UFL and find himself in the NFL late in the season…all thanks to me, naturally.

The UFL isn’t the next XFL bust operation, if Mark Cuban wants to invest in something, you should follow him. I’ve been buying Avion Tequila website names, including misspellings, just because he FICTIONALLY got interested in the brand on Entourage! Here in Houston, we’d like to see him turn the MLB upside down and buy the Houston Astros!

Please leave your comments below on the proposed idea of converting the Astrodome into the Football and Basketball facilities for the University of Houston.

What else do you think they should or could do with the Astrodome?

LINK BACK to John Wessling’s Blog on Sports Radio 610

the face of domination

For those of you who didn’t know, I was on 7 episodes of the Versus’ show FANARCHY last year. I kicked a boatload of ass and just put my highlights up online…

pt.2

pt.1

I’ll put up two more highlight clips as soon as I finish editing them.

I'm Drew Brees and I approve this play call.

On Super Bowl Sunday afternoon during my shift on Sports Radio 610 with Dave Harbison, I brought up the possibility of Drew Brees running for Louisiana Governor in an interview with John DeShazier from the New Orleans Times-Picayune, and he said not only would he win by 20 points but would carry the state for President if he wanted to…and this was BEFORE the Saints won the Super Bowl later that evening. Drew was named MVP of Super Bowl XLIV, and in my opinion, on that confetti-covered stage the campaign for political office began…

…What could signal the beginning of a gubernatorial campaign more than kissing a baby for a photo opportunity? Plus, at a ceremony with other SB winning QB’s the next day, you could see a slight change in his appearance that might be construed as a sign of his commitment to Louisiana’s voters.

Brees just locked up the Neville family voting block.

He could become the only active professional athlete to hold elected public office. Drew Brees could ride this huge wave of popularity all the way to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue!

Who Dat? Who Dat? Who Dat Say Dey Gonna Hail To The Chief?

When it happens later, just remember that I told you so!

Sadly, he’s now more likely to end up in prison as a Governor of Louisiana than as a NFL player. It’s true, look it up.

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BREAKING NEWS: From the office of the commissioner…

Shhhh. Don't speak.

In all future Super Bowls, the opening coin toss will be replaced with starting QB gay chicken.

average size of female Colts fan

I am neither a huge Colts nor a moderate Saints fan, so about halfway through the 3rd quarter of SB44, this odd feeling of dread washed over my body…

“Wait a minute, this is the last football game of the season. We won’t have anymore meaningful football for at least 7 months! Oh my GOD! What am I supposed to do with myself??”

I can’t lie to you; I panicked! I started drinking all the liquor I could find, hoping that maybe I’ll get massively hungover or comatose and just sleep until week 1 of the 2010 season. Sadly I have family responsibilities so that was not an option.

Why does the NFL do this to me? They build up the excitement level all season long, and then they have the best game of the year and then BOOM! NOTHING. You can’t get me worked up like that without a cool-down! You cant FAN TEASE me like that! They should’ve saved some of those worthless college bowl games for this anti-climactic afterglow period…or played that pastel-fiasco-league called the UFL during this month…or resurrected the Arena League…I’ll even accept some Aussie Rules Football right now! Anything but SOCCER!!!

If you are like me and you find yourself lost and adrift in a suddenly football-less world and you don’t give a rat’s ass about college basketball, here are a few things in the world of sport to hang on to until football heats up again…

Mrs. Andy Roddick thinks tennis is manly.

10. The 2010 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue

There is no better methadone for the dramatic loss of NFL football than page after page of the finest women on Earth looking sexy as hell in tiny clothes. Did you think it was just a coincidence that it comes out in February? The guys at SI are geniuses; give them the respect they’ve earned with hours of foot-numbing enjoyment in your bathroom. Honestly, this should be number one or better, but I really wanted to set the “should I waste my life by reading this blog?” hook early with you. I have a weird feeling we’ll be revisiting the SI-SSI a few times before this post is over…

She's not in it for the money, she LOVES small weiners and B.O.

9. NBA All-Star Game

Did the Pro-Bowl let you down? Of course it did, that’s what its there for. The Pro Bowl used to be the NFL’s way of letting us down easy after the endorphin-crushing bonanza of the biggest game of the year, but Der Kommissar Roger Goodell shoved it in that dead week between the title games and the SB and ruined the natural ebb and flow! The NBA knows how to put on entertaining yet wholly insignificant all-star game and will be tearing it up in Mark Cuban’s backyard this weekend. Lose yourself in dunk after dunk and 3 after 3. Let the ridiculous suits and tons of blood diamonds dripping from these enormous millionaires comfort your fan-hood. You know what would make you feel better? Make a ludicrously large bet on the outcome of the HORSE competition with a goon who will kill you if you don’t pay. THAT’ll get your blood flowing!

Special teams? Here's what I think about special teams!

8. NFL network re-runs

Sometimes the only cure for an addiction is more drugs!!! If you have the NFL network, they replay games from all season long. You can keep watching football until they make more football!! I thought ahead this year and DVR’d all of the regular season, playoffs AND Super Bowl 44. I plan on watching them in reverse order to see the season in a whole new way…should be nice to see Adrian Peterson beat his fumbling problem. If my calculations are correct, I should be cursing the Jets Week One thrashing of the Texans right before kickoff of the 2010 Hall of Fame Game in Canton.

The US wins the GOLD in Downhill Bonermaking

7. Winter Olympics

SnowMG! Those frozen Olympics are about to start up there in Vancouver and I haven’t studied up on the rules of Curling yet! If you can manage to avoid figure skating, the Winter Olympics make for really good TV. In fact the Winter Olympics MINUS figure skating PLUS snowmobiles EQUALS the Winter X Games. The Hockey tournament alone is worth it, the US team has a really good chance to win it all this year in a stacked pack of contenders. It’s about time we got competitive in International hockey, we’ve been acquiring NHL teams for two decades now! I’ve always liked Downhill skiing and the luge/bobsled events…especially the SKELETON race. That’s down the track, face first, on your belly. It’s called SKELETON because if you wreck, that’s all that’s left of your body. Sure, it’s no substitute for the all-encompassing NFL fan experience, but if you can attach your national pride to your sports fan wagon, you might get your pulse over 100 for the outcome of the Biathlon. (Skiing and shooting if you didn’t know)

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Bar Rafaeli, 2010 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue

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Where there are beads, there are BOOBS. -buddha

6. Mardi Gras in New Orleans

Maybe more sports isn’t the right answer to overcome post-football depression, maybe the answer is more partying! Turn off the 24 hour sports news channels, load up the car and head down to the Big Easy for Mardi Gras. Get drunk, make out with questionable strangers, spend way too much money. If you take this advice, you’ll have so many real problems this time next week that you won’t even notice that the NFL is gone.

Do you see the ghost car?

5. NASCAR & Daytona 500

Good ole’ haul-ass-turn-left is back! NASCAR has loosened the rules again, meaning its okay to cheat and fight, so expect Dale Jr. to be back in the mix. Because of the economic downturn, tickets are affordable again -back down to Monster Truck show levels- so head on out to the track and watch your favorite corporate shill-billy trade paint with the boys…and girl thanks to NASCAR-newcomer Danica Patrick.

Oddly enough, she's on less pills than most pitchers.

4. MLB baseball & Spring Training

Oh great National Pastime**, please comfort your people in our time of need. We need more steroid scandals and more New York Yankee sex tapes…more free-agent signings and more tearful apologies…more drunk starlet topless first pitches and more t-shirt cannon mishaps…more Pittsburgh fire sales and more left-handed Cuban defector millionaires…more charged mounds and more hidden ball tricks, on and off the field. And for God’s sake, can someone please punch an ump in the face??

(**Baseball is no longer the National Pastime. It is now a tie between the NFL and American Idol.)

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Jimmy Traina recommends Melissa Satta from 2010 SISSI

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Mmmmm, victory IS sweet.

3. Golf

Tiger isn’t going to be playing on the PGA tour anytime soon so instead of watching the scrubs fight for second place, go play some golf yourself! Go outside, get some fresh air and exercise with your friends … and then shout obscenities and throw your clubs in the woods. After you go once and have a horrible time, next time replace the golf course with a strip club and thank me later. It’s cheaper in the long run with virtually no chance of getting the idiot-who-wore-Oakley-sunglasses-raccoon-eyes sunburn.

You missed all our birthdays you jerkwad.

2. Your friends, family & work

You know those people at your house who look like you and won’t leave? That’s your family and they miss you. Maybe you could hang out with them a little? Plus, you see all that paperwork piled up next to your computer which you’ve been running 7 fantasy football teams from for the last 5 months? That’s work and maybe you should do some of it before they lay you off for a non-sports fan.

"Sometimes when we touch, the honesty's too much..."

1. The 2010 NFL Draft

Screw it man, just throw yourself heart & soul into obsessing about your teams first round pick in the 2010 NFL Draft. Bathe yourself in mock drafts, get in massive blog comment wars with rival team fans, stalk Tim Tebow everywhere he goes-leaving love notes and voodoo dolls on his car and in his path…really GET WEIRD this year, make it your whole life. See if you can crash the combine with nothing but a team hat, stopwatch and a radar gun…and NO PANTS. Start ridiculous trade rumors on Twitter and see how long it takes to see it reported on SPORTSCENTER, you can do it! You have the power!

2009! SWINE FLU, Bacon Strikes Back!

Patient ZERO

Champs go first…

The New York Yankees won their 27th world championship. Big whoop, who gives a shit?

The Los Angeles Lakers won their 16th world championship. Big whoop, who gives a shit?

The Pittsburgh Steelers won their 6th world championship. Big whoop, who gives a shit?

The Pittsburgh Penguins won their 3rd world championship. Big whoop, who gives a shit?

The North Carolina Tarheels won their 5th (or 6th) national championship of college basketball. Big whoop, who gives a shit.

The Florida Gators won their 3rd national championship of college football…

This was a big whoop, Jesus is a big Tim Tebow fan.

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The SNUGGIE! Basically its a backwards bathrobe that hotboxes farts and hides lazy masturbation. Well done modern science! This and the Slap Chop googly-eyed pitchman killed Billy Mays.
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New Mexico Lobos women’s soccer player, Elizabeth Lambert … Ripped Foul Sportsman of the Year! This pissed-off bitch punched, kicked and pony-tail yanked her way right into every man in America’s heart. She single handedly made College Women’s Soccer more relevant and exciting than that fancy futbol crap they play in Europe and South America.

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Usain Bolt is faster than shit! Michael Phelps is stoneder than shit!

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Roger Federer won his record 15th Grand Slam tournament.

I am the happiest twat in the world!

I know he’s a world class athlete and probably the greatest tennis player in history BUT his labia face and crybaby looks make him look softer than fresh baked Hawaiian rolls. Put Clint Eastwood’s face on his body and I’d respect him a buttload more.
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Let's be honest, he was right.

Taylor Swift. Mall country music is the worst thing ever created in American history. She looks like a sick bird and her voice sounds like a porpoise getting raped. Sorry darlin’, but you’re not a country singer until Merle Haggard gets you pregnant…go ask Mindy McCready!
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She's crowning!

Lady Gaga. This Madonna clone is freaking everybody out, me included. I dig the art-school performance art thing she’s going for but the music sounds like a Nokia ringtone from hell.
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This is why they hate us in the Middle East.

Twilight and the New Moon stupidity. Vampires were this year’s zombie. May every teen girl who has moisture for the undead be saddled with a loser emo boyfriend who ruins your credit in college.
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Ripped Foul play of the year! DeWayne Wise’s perfect game saving catch for Mark Buerhle. I hate the living hell out of the White Sox ever since they swept my beloved Astros in the 2005 world series, but even I was on the edge of my seat watching Buerhle’s attempt at perfection. Wise’s catch in the 9th inning made me clap and scream like I was a Southsider faithful since birth. It was the best catch I’ve ever seen. It almost made me forget the pain of 2005…almost!
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Jessica Simpson’s dog gets eaten by a coyote. Ahhh, the sweet justice of the food chain. May this be a warning to all owners of tiny douchebag dogs all over the world, your pet is an abomination to nature and will be eaten.
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Chimpanzee eats woman’s face.Here’s the lesson for the rest of us, don’t live with an ape and pretend he’s your baby/best friend/lover because one day he’ll go APEshit on you and rip your face and arms off.
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Serena Williams threatens to jam a ball down a ref’s fucking throat. I’ve never been more horny watching a tennis match then I was that day. John McEnroe was loud and boisterous, but Serena got quiet and really mean…that means she was serious. Tyra, Oprah, Whoopi…you are all on notice, Serena is now the toughest, meanest black woman in America.
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Balloon Boy. Everybody prayed that he would be safe and when it turned out that he wasn’t in there at all, we were all pissed off. I think it would’ve been better for everyone if he fell out of that balloon at 10,000 feet and stuck in the ground like a yard dart in downtown Denver. Maybe next year!
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GLEE “Put a Ring On It” football travesty. OK, listen up theater fa-I mean gayz, enough is enough! There has been a nerd/jock ceasefire since 1996 but that silly display of high school football players doing a dance routine as a play to win the game was ludicrous. As a group we let the High School Musical dancing basketball business slide, but now you are messing with sacred and holy high school football! Only WE can call kickers gay! We are going to have to start beating the shit out of you again…you brought it on yourselves.
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Artie Lange OWNS Joe Buck. I’m not a big fan of Artie Lange, he’s done more damage to stand up comedy than pancreatic cancer, BUT his career-suicide-bombing of the first episode of Joe Buck LIVE on HBO made me smile in a deep dark place inside my soul. Well played you miserable drunk fat bag of crap!
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Semen in "her" name should've been a clue.

Caster Semenya has a tiny penis. It’s true, she does have a small penis inside her, just like most women in the world! This isn’t new in the women’s sprinting world, Marion Jones had two dicks.
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Hello DOUCHE, it's BITCH, call me back.

Jon and Kate Gosselin broke up. I had to watch that show with my wife like a POW for the last two years and I couldn’t be happier that that fucking nightmare is over!! They should’ve stopped having kids with the twins in the first place.
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I told you I hit it!

Chris Brown beat the shit out of Rihanna. If only they BOTH could’ve received career ending throat injuries in the fracus. It’s becoming clear that I hate modern music. He did take some lovely pictures of Rihanna naked though…
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Jimmy Kimmel's defining role.

Octomom. This lady turned her body into a pinata full of welfare babies.
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Carrie Prejean hates married gays, LOVES to masturbate to porn. So what if she pissed off Perez Hilton? Have you seen the “leaked” porn video she made? Great googly moogly! She is hotter than hell and I look forward to watching the porn she makes in the future.
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Steve Buscemi's agent called, he wants an Oscar next year.

Captain Chesley (Sully) Sullenberger. He’s the guy who landed that plane in the Hudson River. Evidently Vince Carter saw the whole thing from his condo in New Jersey and it scared the shit out of him, for some reason that made me laugh.
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Brothers from Other Mothers.

David Letterman throws dick. So it turns out America’s favorite funnyman likes to have affairs with his interns, eh? I wonder if Bill Clinton has been annoying the shit out of his friends with jokes about it everyday since it happened?
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So I guess that’s it right? Oh no, wait a second, I almost forgot…

Keep it quiet baby and there's a new Buick LeSabre in it for you...

TIGER WOODS IS A MAN SLUT!!! Look, you’ve been beat to death by bad Tiger Woods jokes for the last month of the year, I’m not going to pile on like the rest of them. Let’s hope in 2010 some other massive sports celebrities screw up in a big big way. Something tells me that will definitely happen!